Silence

The silence was so suffocating that I almost felt chocked. I tried struggle so hard to remove that invisible chord which I felt was strangling me again. And its right then my alarm went off on my mobile………… Its 6 am!!!!!!!!!!! It almost sounded like a blessing. The alarm tone seemed like a breeze of oxygen which helped me breath again. And I realized it was just another night of my horrifying dreams. I pulled myself out of the bed aimlessly trying to locate the switches on the wall…… I keep wondering why I still have to search for those switches? Why every morning I feel I woke up somewhere I don’t belong………..All the ‘why’s now keep muddling in my head…. Again my battle with my own self starts and I don’t want to give in to this feeling of losing myself……I found my way to the kitchen through the hallway…….. I prepared Disha’s breakfast and lunch box but still those ‘why’s are wandering around within me. I try to maintain the best possible self…I get Disha ready , drop her off to the bus stop, take a long walk with my dogs and getting more and more bothered within….I am trying to figure out the root of my inherent fear or I might say fears……….. I am trying to answer the biggest ‘WHY’ of myself…..’WHY I STILL EXPECT FROM PEOPLE?’ Am I too pretentious to accept my botheration of being dumped? Why my so called ‘intellectual composed ‘self get bothered with people’s ignorance towards me? Is it my ego that stops me from accepting the fact that I am as importance less creature as anything else could be? Is it my feeling of not being ones priority that makes me cry? I keep on thinking…….. I feel the same suffocation again…………………..

Smell of Silk

Deep down I have a fear of losing something, even the smallest or the most insignifacant of things which I have. This feeling of grave sense of insecurity had rooted in me in my childhood and then grown stronger and stronger through my youth to my present...... And to my greatest surprise I had forgotten most of memories of those yester years but that afternoon is still haunting me....

I was merely 7 when for the 1st time I felt this fear , a strange stinging pain down my throat of losing something which was precious to me..... It might seem silly to all as it was "just a peice of cloth".....A peice of my mother's old red and gold silk saree which she had gave me to dress my favourite doll..... And every time I would tie that "saree" around my doll, I would hug her as a child , I would smell the naphthalene balls which she always kept in between the folds of her sarees in the almirah, believing that they kept her sarees fresh and "bugs-free".
It was a suffocating summer afternoon when my cousin rushed into the room to drag me to the terrace screaming "kaal-boishakhi" "kaal-boishakhi". I held my doll in one hand and the saree in the other. By the time we were up on roof panting "kaal-boishakhi" had already started. With the strong wind blowing everything around us I screamed in fear "Lets go down"........ And thats when he pulled me by my hand letting the silk cloth fly high up in air ..."dada hold it" is all could say while I watched it flying high up in air. Tears rolled down my eyes as I hugged my bare doll.... Strangely now the doll smelled the same naphthalene as Maa did when her dead body laid on the floor 3 days back. And that feeling suddenly changed that "just a peice of silk" into my mom ........